by Nathaniel R. Geyer, DrPH, CPH, GISP
As a fellow neurodivergent with autism with four decades of experience, with three graduate degrees, and full-time employment for almost 15 years, I am occasionally being asked about my love life.
As a person with an interest in ecology, I see the three phases as birth, reproduction, and death, to have a full quality of life, with only birth and death being necessary parts of life. As a neurodivergent living in the United States, I know many people who want to have a full quality of life, however they are unemployed, estranged from family, or unable to find a suitable partner. I am fortunate to be employed and fully involved with my family, yet single.
There is a part of me that dislikes being single, so I have thought about marriage or starting a family. However, with no relationship prospects it is doubtful that these dreams will be a reality. Another challenge is that I do not like to rock the boat as my parents constantly tell me. I am also reminded of a distant family member who chose the wrong partner, had a kid, and got divorced twice. The assumption of no romantic life is problematic and needs to be combated through collaboration with all diverse groups.
Based on these experiences and assumptions of not having a love life, it has led me, during my third decade, to focus on my career and receiving my doctoral degree. However, now that I am in my fourth decade these things have only led me to feel unfulfilled. I have always been into romantic comedies that have happy endings and hope for similar outcomes, which is not realistic in the real world. As an ecologist, I see the issues with having a declining population, which can lead to a decline in genetic diversity. Yet, in the United States the cost of raising a family is expensive and if the typical neurodivergent with autism is not fully supported then what are the benefits of starting a family?
Some of the barriers of starting a family with a neurodivergent person, with or without autism, include finding a suitable partner, marriage barriers, and barriers in starting a family. First, when finding a partner, it is important to find somebody who is compatible with the person’s issues, which leads to long-term success.
Second, many neurodivergent people with autism are on Medicaid, which has a marriage penalty that limits the ability for a couple to save money for raising a family, retirement, or keeping people from getting married out of fear of losing benefits.
Third, for people who want to start a family there is a lack of education in the autistic community about how to start a family. For example, it was not until my third year in undergraduate education when an elective on AIDS had one lesson on appropriate ways to avoid getting the infection. It was an eye-opening experience that I forgot over time, but I was lucky enough to get that lesson. Therefore, I advocate for all neurodivergent individuals getting adequate education to avoid these barriers and having a full quality of life.
Some of the recommendations for combating this assumption of no romance are to prioritize solutions that make it easier for all neurodivergent individuals, with or without autism, to have a full quality of life that promotes individuality and at the population level promotes an improvement in genetic diversity. I am a proponent of continuous education throughout life that is adaptable to changing situations for neurodivergent individuals.
I strongly encourage neurodivergent individuals to voice their feedback, which is valuable to change society. In these polarizing times, I welcome collaborations between people who disagree with me to find common ground. Segregation based on neurodiversity, political party, race, religion, gender, sexuality, etc. has only led to undesirable outcomes. I was first hired by a person from South Africa who immigrated to America during apartheid, where I was employed for the first six years and participated in a project with people from diverse backgrounds, which taught me the importance of collaboration to promote social change. It is through these lessons that I hope to be a beacon of hope amongst the people who are neurodivergent with or without autism.
This story was submitted to the 2024 Pennsylvania Autism Training Conference.
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