by Nathaniel Geyer
A recent study found that 10% of Americans were estranged from biological parents or children, which is more common for autistic adults, then neurotypicals. Unfortunately, in the LGBTQIA+ community there is a concept of chosen family where people get to associate with similar people, while estranged from biological family.
In my case, I am adopted so I technically have two families biological and adoptive. For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with my biological family, which meant that I felt like I was living a lie. Recently, I had a wake-up call when a new friend unblocked me that caused me to face my demons head-on. With resistance from my adoptive parents, I requested my original birth certificate and later reconnected with my biological brother through Facebook and phone. Through time I now have two families that make me feel connected.
Based on my experience I also have two families but in reverse where my chosen adoptive family is the people that I most associated with, while being disconnected with my roots. For example, I never knew my ancestry and accidentally chose Native American on my job application, I know now that my DNA is mostly from England. Ironically, my biological family had a similar life experience, tolerant, and willing to connect with both my families with grace.
What the 40 year distance from my biological family has taught me is that sometimes it is okay to estrange from biological family because of inability to take care of me or a toxic situation. It may lead to missed time and temporary grief or never meeting people like my biological father, who died in 2019. However, life is short and in due time mistakes and injustices get corrected and the results can be inspiring.
For example, my biological family struggled with higher education and never completed a bachelor’s degree. I had a goal to earn a doctoral degree and lived with a dentist and homemaker who provided me support to pursue my dreams. Ironically, my biological brother did not want to recreate the experience of losing me to adoption, so he worked his way to have an environment like what I have in the 1980s. One of my nephews is now taking anatomy and physiology, which caused me to redirect my energy to ecology and later public health and geography. Although I am not a dentist like my adoptive father, I did achieve my goal of getting a doctoral degree.
In conclusion, sometimes it might be good to have a temporary estrangement from biological family. In some cases it might be good to just move on with your life with no connection with biological family. However, I found that being disconnected from biological roots can lead to trauma and grief that can only be ended through reconnecting.
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