Nathaniel R. Geyer, DrPH, CPH, GISP
In 2023, the divorce rate is approximately 42-45% in the United States. Second and third marriages fail at a far higher rate, though, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce. In families with a child with disabilities it may be as high as 87%; in families with a child with autism it is about 80%. With that said, I am living in an environment where my parents chose to adopt me and have been married for 45 years in 2024. During the same year my younger sister celebrated 10 years of marriage and had two daughters. Both my parents’ and sister’s marriages are prime examples of unconditional love.
Unfortunately, as a neurodivergent individual who has struggled with romantic relationships in my early 20s, I realize now that my relationships were infatuations, which are short-term relationships with little to no chance of becoming unconditional love. The challenge that I faced took me 20 years to realize the difference between infatuation versus love.
An infatuation occurs when a person is head-over-heels in love, craving or obsessed with them, which can make them anxious without them. Some other characteristics are sweaty palms, nervous stomach, idealistic vision of a person, and a superficial relationship. Whereas love occurs when you are serious about the person, feeling develops slowly, feel content with this person and at ease when not around. In a loving relationship you are happy, but do not get nervous, anxious or confused when around them.
There is a realistic version of the person and love them despite their faults and imperfections. Lastly, with a loving connection there is a deep relationship based on shared intimacy, vulnerability, and trust.
In my teens, I was obsessed with finding the one girl who could make me happy. After being bullied at a camp, I went to a disability camp, for three years, and met a boy and girl that changed my perspective. In my first year, I was getting acclimated to camp, but befriended a boy who was also being bullied and made his life and mine successful and it was a friendship that I think of today, and it was a summer to remember for good reasons.
The second year that boy did not come, but there was a girl who asked me out and an infatuation happened, where I was obsessed with her and did some acts that led me into trouble and led to undesirable outcomes.
During my third year that boy became my roommate for a three-week California adventure, with that girl also attending as well. First the girl met up during the Thanksgiving break for a movie and we spent the early part together, but I realized that she was not compatible with me due to constant negativity. With the boy we used to stay up late and talked about life and developed a friendship over the next three weeks.
Sadly, after the trip I lost contact with both people due to being in a group home and the boy dying of heart failure but had completed his goal of completing an undergraduate degree. Since that time, I have deprioritized short-term infatuations over developing deeper connections with fewer people. Years later, although still single I have developed quality connections that can potentially lead to an unconventional love story.
Sadly, based on my experience people who are neurodivergent individuals, including autism do not have the real-life experiences to reflect and tell the difference between infatuation and love. For example, in my extended family, a partially estranged member got divorced twice and is now raising a teenager with his first wife and her boyfriend.
I only communicate with them via text and hope the best for him and his kid. Slowly, I have improved his life with getting a dog and seeing him walk around the neighborhood. I also have an autistic acquaintance who had a child with a girlfriend, and it ended badly with the mother moving out of state, which led to severe depression.
Based on these experiences in my life and others for years I have prioritized my employment over romance, which led to long-term loneliness and feeling out of sync with reality. The last two years, I have started to think about developing connections with family and friends, who improve my life rather than constant negativity. These lessons in my life experience are reminders that it is important to choose to love people who make your life better instead of an infatuation.
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